BigFatOofta

my hunger is insatiable, the root of it is traceable, all the way back to the lie that i, cannot have grace.    i know it's a lie, i've KNOWN it's a lie, yet somehow, i've been serving up it's soup, hoping that one day, it'll come back around to me, set me free, free from the bonds of trying.  i'm TRYING TO BE AN INVISIBLE SINNER.   love brings my sin to light, but in defensive flurry my eyes get blurry, and i start shooting a 12 gauge.  I KNOW I'M GUILTY BUT I MAKE LIGHT OF IT B/C I DON'T KNOW GRACE.   i can't feel grace, i can't see grace, so there must be no grace, right?   wrong. right?   my desire for grace is strong, but until the iron grip of the lie of a graceless life is removed, my pain will be plenty.   God, help me. I've been working overtime on earning my grace, trying to set up my future glory. a good deed here, right heart there, investing in my salvation as if i believe in pu...

Friends.  It's been a whirlwind.  We are now four weeks into having two children and it has been a ride. I am not going to lie...it's been hard.  Very hard.  But...also, very very good. Between pregnancy complications, adjusting to a 2 year old and an infant, trying to figure out how to do life...I have been overwhelmed.  Scared. Fatigued. Wrestling with my heart. Feeling...stuck.  Also, I have been overwhelmed by God's goodness. Grace. Provision. Nearness.   Here's the thing.  I am now a parent of two.  That comes with certain difficulties but it also comes with many opportunities and reasons to rejoice.  I have been reminding myself to "Rejoice in the Lord always, and again, I say rejoice"  (Phil 4:4).  That the "Steadfast love of the Lord never ceases and his mercies never come to an end" (Lam 3:22).  So.  I have my role and my blessed gift of children to parent, therefore, I am in this thing for keeps. ...

There seems to be a never ending flow of information, especially by way of social media, about people's lives.  With just a few clicks of a button, we can see what someone has been up to for the last five years, discover who they hang out with, and what sorts of new toys and items have been purchased and enjoyed.  With Instagram and Facebook, we can see anything from how amazing someone's husband is to what someone fed their cat for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and how said cat reacted (the latter sort of information I choose to "hide"). ;) I can go on and on about all the "novelties" we can view on social media, but chances are, if you are reading this blog, you already are quite familiar. What I have been challenged in lately is to think about what I don't  see.  What I am not (usually) seeing on Instagram and Facebook are people's hearts. While people can post a scripture verse, something they are thankful for, a struggle, or even a vent, th...

Well, I was not doing so well last night, nor was I so hot this morning.  I was/am struggling.  Wrestling with good desires tainted with idolatry and self-sufficiency.   I had a meltdown that turned almost to despair as I allowed myself to dwell on my desires of being pursued the way I want to be pursued and finding those desires not always being met.  Dwelling on hurt. Pain. Loss.  Misery.  Feeling crushed by life as a mom.  My wiring...it feels like it was intended to be wired for a different "job"...I feel like if I could just take a break here and there and completely disconnect from the world of mom, I could handle it better.  But instead of trusting in the Lord's strength and grace to help me, looking for the joy in the hard times, I found myself feeling buried and wanting to just give up.  Everything else in our little family's world right now is full of waiting and praying and hoping and seeking ....and waiting....and waiting...and t...

Dear Jericho Maliyah, You just woke me up kicking around inside of me (you are about 6 months in baking).  I love that you did, because I now have a whole heart that is welled up in love for you, and thoughts that I have for you and want to share with you. There is a lot of talk and letters written to this Hollywood girl named Miley Cyrus as of late.  Letters from men, women, and also, some concerned and saddened mothers.  She has recently debuted herself to the public in a way that has both disturbed and broken hearts, mine included.  Here, I see a girl who needed/could still greatly benefit from her own family sharing her importance, worth, truth about her identity, and love for her. I don't know how old you will be or where technology will be when you read this (this whole blogging thing could be for the stone ages for all I know!) but I want to take a moment to "pen" out my heart for you, my little Jericho. The world is an enticing place, and if you ...

Being a mom can be lonely. Alienating sometimes.  In the midst of every season of motherhood there can be great joy...and also periods of great loneliness. I am a mom.  I never really thought much about being a mom in my single years.  Even once Joshua and I got married, until the Lord changed my heart, I wasn't really prepared to be a mother.  Are any of us ever prepared?  Prolly not. While I have yet to be a mom of older children (not to mention children out of the house), I am in the middle of a joyous yet difficult "toddler life" season.  I have been thinking a lot lately of what it might look like with an infant soon to be added to the mix.  I have to admit, I feel overwhelmed at times...ok a lot of times. I feel fatigued.  But mostly, I feel....lonely.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my son and daughter (already!) and wouldn't ever trade my life with them for anything.  I just have to battle through a big mess of emotions....

I know I've been physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally weary.  I know that some of my loved ones and friends have been as well. I have battled with the emotion of defeat and failure.  Wanting to just give up.  Well, the Lord in His kindness and mercy is my rock and will lift me...and all his children...up out of the mire. I don't have an actual "post" today outside of a handful of scripture sections, and I am sharing them to both remind myself of the Lord's encouraging truth and hopefully encourage my readers as well.  "I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.  Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  The Lord is your helper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from al...