Being a mom can be lonely. Alienating sometimes. In the midst of every season of motherhood there can be great joy...and also periods of great loneliness.
I am a mom. I never really thought much about being a mom in my single years. Even once Joshua and I got married, until the Lord changed my heart, I wasn't really prepared to be a mother. Are any of us ever prepared? Prolly not. While I have yet to be a mom of older children (not to mention children out of the house), I am in the middle of a joyous yet difficult "toddler life" season. I have been thinking a lot lately of what it might look like with an infant soon to be added to the mix. I have to admit, I feel overwhelmed at times...ok a lot of times. I feel fatigued. But mostly, I feel....lonely. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my son and daughter (already!) and wouldn't ever trade my life with them for anything. I just have to battle through a big mess of emotions. Hello, I'm a woman, and yes, I am emotional. Today is no exception.
With marriage, there is a death to self. Sacrifices that are so hard and so worth it. With children, there is...well...MORE death to self. So much harder, and yes...still worth it. But, there are days where I find myself feeling pulled to the "dark place." The place where I have pity parties. Just me, my lonely self and I. These are not good parties for me. Nope. They lead me to a place where I open myself up to believing the lies that I can't do this. I'm not wired to be a parent. This is too hard. I wonder, 'Where'd all my friends go? Am I too hard to hang out with with all the joyful inconveniences my son provides? Am I just boring? Can people no longer relate to me? Why do I feel awkward when I finally get around adults and have opportunity for edifying conversation? Oh, right, because I've been practicing toddler talk all day and I'm not even sure how to socialize anymore (at least social awkwardness doesn't have to be blamed on my being homeschooled anymore ;) ) I can't go out in public with my child because he isn't responding to discipline right now. Why won't he? People say this is a season, but so far my son's personality has just been intense. Vocal. Stubborn (and inCREDIBLY sweet too, like woah). And, his personality is causing me to get "looks" from other moms in the grocery store, the mall, etc. I bet they think I don't discipline him, but if I spank him in public, I'll prolly wind up with social services on me...hmmm. Then, there's the mall. If I decide to venture trying things on in the fitting room, I first wheel my son in his stroller through the barely wide enough door, and then proceed to talk to him about balls, dogs, and how we are "almost done here"....this all whilst trying to decide if my pregnancy bump makes me look ridiculous in an otherwise flattering outfit and hoping the amount of people outside the room are "0" so I can just leave without more stares. I go home desiring to spend some time in adult conversation. Maybe I'll write an email. Yeah. *starts email*... "Dear ____, I finally am getting to sit down and respond to your email...It's been..." *cryFussYell*....."I do apologize, my son just woke up from his nap and is likely starving, so I'll have to write you more later....hope you're well!"
Dark place, I'm in the dark place....and it is my heart and my attitude that have allowed me to believe that...
I AM ALONE. No one else has the struggles I do. No one else understands me. No one else cares. I'm forever going to be a lonely mom.
STOP!!!! stop stop stop stop STOP.
Who do you think you are, Sarah? Really!? I mean, come on. You need to get off your butt and start speaking truth to yourself. There is nothing new under the sun. There is no struggle or emotion that you have that someone else doesn't. You want to talk true aloneness? Let's look at Jesus. Jesus was alone. He was perfect. Sinless. All loving. Loveable. Yet....I...everyone...has rejected him. Not loved him. In fact, mocked him. Sarah, you're mocking him by being so prideful to think that you and your "wittle bit of a tough season" gives you the right to feel sorry for yourself. Sarah, you've been comparing yourself and coveting your neighbor. You've been living in the fear of man, not God. Worrying about what people think of you. Believing stupid lies from he enemy that no one cares. YOU in your loneliness are self-consumed and unable to even look past your nose at others who might be suffering with pain and loneliness and minister to them. When you think you have it worse than someone, you are really setting yourself higher than them, and that is not how Jesus calls you to live.
Sarah, you are a servant. You are to love others and consider them greater than yourself (Mark 10:42-45). You are to turn the other cheek when someone hurts you (Matt. 5:39). You are to cast your cares on the Lord (Psalm 55:22). You are to find strength and grace in him, but you must humble yourself (Prov 3:34, James 4:6)! You are to remember that if you love Jesus, the world will hate you (John 15). You are a traveler in a foreign land, this is not your home. You are given the gift of a relationship with GOD the perfect Father, and Jesus has called you friend (John 15:15). There is purpose in your struggles. God cares about your pain, but he cares more about making you more like him, and it is only goodness and mercy that He allows you to go through that pain (Romans 5:3-5).
Think on this. Jesus may have been alone, but he wasn't lonely. He had God, His Father, and instead of seeing His time on earth as one of great sacrifice, hardship and misery, He joyfully obeyed the will of the Father. Was it hard? Ummm, he sweat blood as He prepared himself to be mocked and beaten on the cross and begged His father to take away this call if it were His Father's will...yet "your will be done." And, as he died on the cross for me, for us, temporarily rejected by his own Father God, His heart was "forgive them, Father, for they know not what they've done." His heart is love. Love so rich and pure and great, that He gave his life to defeat death, that we may not be forever alone and separated from God because of our sin....We love, because HE FIRST LOVED US (1 John 4:19).
So, I do not have to be lonely. Alone, maybe. But not lonely. As a mother, I have been given the most amazing opportunity to pour my life into these little souls. To be a picture of Christ to them, so that Lord willing, they too may one day choose to walk in relationship with our great God. This is a season, and I, right now, am kicking that stupid pity party back to where it came from...the enemy and his lies. Stupid enemy, you're just mad because you lost. I'm not fraternizing with you just to feel momentarily "better", no...I'm going to go find my son, play balls and blocks and cars with him, and thank the Lord for His amazing and great gift of being MOM. :)
Annnnndddd.....a Henri Nouwen quote that I think is great and applicable:
"In discussing solitude...3 words are important: Aloneness, loneliness and solitude. You and all people are alone. Aloneness is a natural fact. No one else in the world is like me. I am unique. No one else feels and experiences the way I do: I am alone. Now, how do i deal with my aloneness? Many people deal with it through loneliness. That means you experience your aloneness as a wound, as something that hurts you, makes you miserable. It makes you cry out 'is there anyone who can help me?' Loneliness is one of the greatest sources of suffering today. It is the disease of our time. But, as Christians, we are called to convert loneliness to solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift...God's gift...so that in our aloneness we can discover that we are deeply loved by God. It is precisely where we are most alone, most unique, most ourselves that God is closest to us. That is where we experience God as the divine, loving father, who knows us better than we know ourselves. Solitude is the way in which we grow into the realization that where we are most alone, we are most loved by God...in that place our activities become activities done for the other. If we accept our aloneness as a gift from God and covert it into deep solitude then out of that solitude we can reach out to other people. We can come together in community because we don't cling to one another in loneliness. We don't use or manipulate one another. Rather, we bow to one another's solitude. We recognize one another as people who are called by the same God."
-Henri Nouwen
I am a mom. I never really thought much about being a mom in my single years. Even once Joshua and I got married, until the Lord changed my heart, I wasn't really prepared to be a mother. Are any of us ever prepared? Prolly not. While I have yet to be a mom of older children (not to mention children out of the house), I am in the middle of a joyous yet difficult "toddler life" season. I have been thinking a lot lately of what it might look like with an infant soon to be added to the mix. I have to admit, I feel overwhelmed at times...ok a lot of times. I feel fatigued. But mostly, I feel....lonely. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my son and daughter (already!) and wouldn't ever trade my life with them for anything. I just have to battle through a big mess of emotions. Hello, I'm a woman, and yes, I am emotional. Today is no exception.
With marriage, there is a death to self. Sacrifices that are so hard and so worth it. With children, there is...well...MORE death to self. So much harder, and yes...still worth it. But, there are days where I find myself feeling pulled to the "dark place." The place where I have pity parties. Just me, my lonely self and I. These are not good parties for me. Nope. They lead me to a place where I open myself up to believing the lies that I can't do this. I'm not wired to be a parent. This is too hard. I wonder, 'Where'd all my friends go? Am I too hard to hang out with with all the joyful inconveniences my son provides? Am I just boring? Can people no longer relate to me? Why do I feel awkward when I finally get around adults and have opportunity for edifying conversation? Oh, right, because I've been practicing toddler talk all day and I'm not even sure how to socialize anymore (at least social awkwardness doesn't have to be blamed on my being homeschooled anymore ;) ) I can't go out in public with my child because he isn't responding to discipline right now. Why won't he? People say this is a season, but so far my son's personality has just been intense. Vocal. Stubborn (and inCREDIBLY sweet too, like woah). And, his personality is causing me to get "looks" from other moms in the grocery store, the mall, etc. I bet they think I don't discipline him, but if I spank him in public, I'll prolly wind up with social services on me...hmmm. Then, there's the mall. If I decide to venture trying things on in the fitting room, I first wheel my son in his stroller through the barely wide enough door, and then proceed to talk to him about balls, dogs, and how we are "almost done here"....this all whilst trying to decide if my pregnancy bump makes me look ridiculous in an otherwise flattering outfit and hoping the amount of people outside the room are "0" so I can just leave without more stares. I go home desiring to spend some time in adult conversation. Maybe I'll write an email. Yeah. *starts email*... "Dear ____, I finally am getting to sit down and respond to your email...It's been..." *cryFussYell*....."I do apologize, my son just woke up from his nap and is likely starving, so I'll have to write you more later....hope you're well!"
Dark place, I'm in the dark place....and it is my heart and my attitude that have allowed me to believe that...
I AM ALONE. No one else has the struggles I do. No one else understands me. No one else cares. I'm forever going to be a lonely mom.
STOP!!!! stop stop stop stop STOP.
Who do you think you are, Sarah? Really!? I mean, come on. You need to get off your butt and start speaking truth to yourself. There is nothing new under the sun. There is no struggle or emotion that you have that someone else doesn't. You want to talk true aloneness? Let's look at Jesus. Jesus was alone. He was perfect. Sinless. All loving. Loveable. Yet....I...everyone...has rejected him. Not loved him. In fact, mocked him. Sarah, you're mocking him by being so prideful to think that you and your "wittle bit of a tough season" gives you the right to feel sorry for yourself. Sarah, you've been comparing yourself and coveting your neighbor. You've been living in the fear of man, not God. Worrying about what people think of you. Believing stupid lies from he enemy that no one cares. YOU in your loneliness are self-consumed and unable to even look past your nose at others who might be suffering with pain and loneliness and minister to them. When you think you have it worse than someone, you are really setting yourself higher than them, and that is not how Jesus calls you to live.
Sarah, you are a servant. You are to love others and consider them greater than yourself (Mark 10:42-45). You are to turn the other cheek when someone hurts you (Matt. 5:39). You are to cast your cares on the Lord (Psalm 55:22). You are to find strength and grace in him, but you must humble yourself (Prov 3:34, James 4:6)! You are to remember that if you love Jesus, the world will hate you (John 15). You are a traveler in a foreign land, this is not your home. You are given the gift of a relationship with GOD the perfect Father, and Jesus has called you friend (John 15:15). There is purpose in your struggles. God cares about your pain, but he cares more about making you more like him, and it is only goodness and mercy that He allows you to go through that pain (Romans 5:3-5).
Think on this. Jesus may have been alone, but he wasn't lonely. He had God, His Father, and instead of seeing His time on earth as one of great sacrifice, hardship and misery, He joyfully obeyed the will of the Father. Was it hard? Ummm, he sweat blood as He prepared himself to be mocked and beaten on the cross and begged His father to take away this call if it were His Father's will...yet "your will be done." And, as he died on the cross for me, for us, temporarily rejected by his own Father God, His heart was "forgive them, Father, for they know not what they've done." His heart is love. Love so rich and pure and great, that He gave his life to defeat death, that we may not be forever alone and separated from God because of our sin....We love, because HE FIRST LOVED US (1 John 4:19).
So, I do not have to be lonely. Alone, maybe. But not lonely. As a mother, I have been given the most amazing opportunity to pour my life into these little souls. To be a picture of Christ to them, so that Lord willing, they too may one day choose to walk in relationship with our great God. This is a season, and I, right now, am kicking that stupid pity party back to where it came from...the enemy and his lies. Stupid enemy, you're just mad because you lost. I'm not fraternizing with you just to feel momentarily "better", no...I'm going to go find my son, play balls and blocks and cars with him, and thank the Lord for His amazing and great gift of being MOM. :)
Annnnndddd.....a Henri Nouwen quote that I think is great and applicable:
"In discussing solitude...3 words are important: Aloneness, loneliness and solitude. You and all people are alone. Aloneness is a natural fact. No one else in the world is like me. I am unique. No one else feels and experiences the way I do: I am alone. Now, how do i deal with my aloneness? Many people deal with it through loneliness. That means you experience your aloneness as a wound, as something that hurts you, makes you miserable. It makes you cry out 'is there anyone who can help me?' Loneliness is one of the greatest sources of suffering today. It is the disease of our time. But, as Christians, we are called to convert loneliness to solitude. We are called to experience our aloneness not as a wound but as a gift...God's gift...so that in our aloneness we can discover that we are deeply loved by God. It is precisely where we are most alone, most unique, most ourselves that God is closest to us. That is where we experience God as the divine, loving father, who knows us better than we know ourselves. Solitude is the way in which we grow into the realization that where we are most alone, we are most loved by God...in that place our activities become activities done for the other. If we accept our aloneness as a gift from God and covert it into deep solitude then out of that solitude we can reach out to other people. We can come together in community because we don't cling to one another in loneliness. We don't use or manipulate one another. Rather, we bow to one another's solitude. We recognize one another as people who are called by the same God."
-Henri Nouwen
Thanks for the great post. Very inspirational.
ReplyDeleteIt is late. But.... first: loved these lines from Nouwen's quote above,".God's gift...so that in our aloneness we can discover that we are deeply loved by God. It is precisely where we are most alone, most unique, most ourselves that God is closest to us. That is where we experience God as the divine, loving father, who knows us better than we know ourselves. Solitude is the way in which we grow into the realization that where we are most alone, we are most loved by God." Also, that is my very FAVORITE picture of the two of you. And, wish my brain wasn't gelatinous at night so I could succinctly articulate how the Gospel of Jesus and His heart, is clearly at work and overflowing in your life! We all thank you for your vulnerability in your wrestling and for your shouts and cries along the way of Truth; the very Word of God. Words which bind with fresh, clean, Gospel dressings for all of your (and our!) wounds and bruises. Moms NEVER want to see their children (yes, adult children too) in any type of pain. There is something to that "mama bear" thing. But there is this beautiful work of Jesus going on in your life through all of your hardest times. I love you. I really love Jesus in you. When you are bending down in submission to His will and work, I get the gift of a front row seat to His glory and grace. I am so thankful for you. I am undone by His Perfect Love and Caring for you. We gave you away to the trust of such a wonderful young man with confident trust and assurance of his love and care for you. Might I say, "phew!" We are so thankful for Joshua! But God Almighty, the Creator of the Universe has given ALL for my daughter; in mercy and grace His Holy Spirit has called, stirred awake, bought you, kept tender, nourished, and empowered you. He heals, forgives, carries, entrusts, calls, leads, seals, disciplines, intercedes, cares, protects, cherishes, delights, provides for,invites, teaches,perfectly loves, sanctifies, gives hope, purpose, strength, and wisdom, and He gives Daily Bread for all He has for you every day. For starters!
ReplyDeleteI still grieve when my kids are in pain. Even though Dad and I have already given you away to Joshua, God has reminded me tonight that you have always been His! How tightly I have held on to you (and your sibs) How shortsighted to not have looked for Jesus together with you in painful and hard times rather than typically and frantically "mopping up the blood." Fixing.
I am looking for the Glory of God alongside you although not in person, but in prayer and as you graciously invite others share in the marvels of His work in your life. Thank you, Sarie
Know His presence as you sleep tonight and as you mommy tomorrow.
Love,
mom