BigFatOofta

I'm ugly....but it's a beautiful thing. :) Disclaimer 1: this is going to be raw.  Personal. Just warning you. Disclaimer 2: If you see a bunch of quotes or pictures from FLYLEAF lyrics, it's because for the last few months, I've been listening to them on my runs.  God has used a handful of the lyrics to really spur me on in digging deeper into my own heart.  No, they aren't super theologically deep, but I'm thankful for the thought their lyrics have provoked... Let me give you a few snippets of my background to flesh out the picture a bit. Most of my life, I have been one of two extremes: 1. Highly praised and favored or 2. Highly assumed, backstabbed or just...the recipient of mean . For number 1, the main things I have heard over and again:  "You're so encouraging, the most humble person I've met, sweet, kind, beautiful, fun..." ... For number 2, I won't go into details, but let's just say my trusting vulnerable hear...

Trusting God.  Do I even know what that means?! I think lately as there have been a lot of stressors in life or reasons to want to give into anxiety, I have been asking myself some deeper questions about my heart, and about how I have been trusting God.  Part of the reason for peeling back the layers of my heart is that I am not really finding myself able to trust in God when the pressure is on.  No, rather, I recognize that my pattern is to first look to myself .  See, in the past I think I've always just sorta chocked trusting God up to simply telling him my needs, asking for help, and then waiting for him to do something about it.  I have told myself I need to surrender to him and not try to make something happen, but...what winds up happening is...I quickly take hold of the reign (or at least I think I'm holding it) and try to tell God or imagine ways that he will do things "my way."  I suggest to him ways I think would be quite good for ...