my hunger is insatiable, the root of it is traceable, all the way back to the lie that i, cannot have grace.
i know it's a lie, i've KNOWN it's a lie, yet somehow, i've been serving up it's soup, hoping that one day, it'll come back around to me, set me free, free from the bonds of trying.
i'm TRYING TO BE AN INVISIBLE SINNER. love brings my sin to light, but in defensive flurry my eyes get blurry, and i start shooting a 12 gauge.
I KNOW I'M GUILTY BUT I MAKE LIGHT OF IT B/C I DON'T KNOW GRACE.
i can't feel grace, i can't see grace, so there must be no grace, right?
wrong. right?
my desire for grace is strong, but until the iron grip of the lie of a graceless life is removed, my pain will be plenty.
God, help me.
I've been working overtime on earning my grace, trying to set up my future glory. a good deed here, right heart there, investing in my salvation as if i believe in purgatory.
i'm slaving to the slayer, the one filthy betrayer, the one who'd have my life and smear me in the ground.
oh he tells me all sorts of things that tickle my ears. he offers me smiles but in the background he jeers. he knows my flesh, he knows it well. he offers to feed and satisfy my craving and hungry heart, saying "taste and see, it'll set you free'.
i've been guilty, i've done wrong and sin's weight it seems so strong. i've been feeding and gorging myself on the lies of my captor.
i do what i don't want to do, and what i want to do i don't do.
haven't i gotten it yet? how many flavors does one lie have, why do i have to try every flavor before i realize the main ingredient.... is poison.
now, my mouth open wide in silent agony, i've been as slick as polished mahogany. my SIN IS KILLING ME.
this puritan guy john owen once said be killing sin or it be killing you.
TRUTH...
fact is, i'm already dead. my flesh is dead and my soul was dead too, but GOD.
But God, WHAT?
if i do what he says, maybe then he'll see me, hear me love me more. so i try, and i strive, and heaven forbid, i can NEVER be wrong....only to realize once again.....i've slain my savior.
grace, i can't feel grace. i know grace, i read grace, but i don't feel it.
feelings. since when did feelings determine what's true? my heart sure is feeling, but how can i trust it? the heart is deceitful, so i cannot give it weight. no more than my veins telling me red blood is blue.
sins lurk from the past, they bite and they haunt, eating my soul till its weak and its gaunt. my enemy never stops working, always poking and prodding. hoping to keep me missing my freedom.
freedom. it's what i want. acceptance. grace. love.
WHAT I WANT is what i have. i'm filthy to the core, my good efforts are but dirty rags. that's why god sent Jesus to the tree, his blood has covered me, glory be, praise be to the PERFECT ONE!
my face, my shame, his name, his blood, my place, my fate, in grace, just LOOK!
my savior was slain, God's wrath on him lain, he died for my pain, so eternally i can reign at the foot of my father.
his cross, my shame, my life is his fame. glory glory glorrrry be to his name! i needed rescue and he came! he took my shame so in his death i can claim, life. i must die with christ so i can live.
death does not have dominion. FLESH does not have dominion. sin may be laying dormant waiting to spread through my body, doing it's vile corruptible work, but the spirit is in me. the spirit is greater than he who is in this world and the spirit is in me.
so who has authority? ugly words dressed up nice, holding me captive, enslaved, in a vice? or the one who shed his blood, took the blame for my shame, offering me life, though i denied him thrice?
romans 7-8 speak the truth that i fight with. the Word is my sword, the authority to make right with. I have the greatest gift ever given to man. I have life in my soul, the gift of the Spirit. though i walk with dead flesh, i don't have to fear it. one day Christ returns and claims his beloved. so for now, i walk in his grace, it's mine free of charge.
all my good acts are still present but WAIT...this time,
i'm driven not by fear. it's God's love that will motivate. so i fixate on micah 6:8 to act justly, love mercy and walk humbly with my god.
free from fear, free from flesh, free from death, free from lies. free from blame, free from striving, free from silent cries. free from guilt, free from faking, free from despair and my quaking.
there is freedom in grace, and grace is offered freely. tho satan still lies and is only abusive the death of Christ is my life, so grace, is no longer illusive.
-sarah codispoti
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