Well, I was not doing so well last night, nor was I so hot this morning. I was/am struggling. Wrestling with good desires tainted with idolatry and self-sufficiency.
I had a meltdown that turned almost to despair as I allowed myself to dwell on my desires of being pursued the way I want to be pursued and finding those desires not always being met. Dwelling on hurt. Pain. Loss. Misery. Feeling crushed by life as a mom. My wiring...it feels like it was intended to be wired for a different "job"...I feel like if I could just take a break here and there and completely disconnect from the world of mom, I could handle it better. But instead of trusting in the Lord's strength and grace to help me, looking for the joy in the hard times, I found myself feeling buried and wanting to just give up. Everything else in our little family's world right now is full of waiting and praying and hoping and seeking ....and waiting....and waiting...and trusting God in the unknown. I don't do well with unknown's especially when the known is not where I want to stay. Will we get out, move through this hard place? Can I trust the Lord? Of course I can! Then...why have I been not allowing myself to? Life. Life last night and this morning felt lifeless and I was allowing it to feel that way because I am tired and I don't "feel" like fighting back with truth. That is dangerous...was dangerous...I am fighting now.
I am not done working through everything but the Lord has used different scriptures and people and songs and readings (in His mercy, love and compassion) to lift me up some. I want to share them with, and encourage those reading...
*****"The Chasing Song" by Andrew Peterson...these lyrics:
Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don't
Well, I realize that falling down ain't graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that's all it takes
Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Job, he chased an answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her 14 years and he
Captured Rachel's smile
Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you've got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I'm winning
Is when I'm chasing Him
*****
-My husband penned this word this morning: "Father, when my hold doth fail, as waters cover me; this to, I cling: hell cannot break thy loving hold on me. Fear, into confidence doth turn because you, first, loved me. Christ my strength, my sword, my shield--my rock, my surety."
*****
Psalm 27:4:
One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire[a] in his temple.
Psalm 30:11-12:
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
*****
"Be Thou my Vision" Yes.
*****
From the day's reading in "Streams in the Desert" devotional: "Hide in the Kerith Ravine" (1 Kings 17:3).
This is a place of solitude, away from people...dwelling in God's tent (Ps 61:4). Here, I can absorb the spiritual power of God...I am hidden with Christ. No sounds of people's voices to distract but a quiet and safe place to take my sorrow, pain and struggles to. Lord, I will hide in the Kerith Ravine....
*****
Finally, I will paste a poem I wrote a few years ago that is quite fitting to where I'm at:
Stripped Naked
I am found cold, shaking.
My feet lift one by one
off the shivering ground.
I need that ring, please!
It will show my accomplishments
The world must know
You took my last comfort, why?
I wanted that purse
To carry my securities in.
You destroyed my shoes!
The world awaits me
Time will not hold still
And what about my jacket?
Surely you know my condition
I am weak, and need relief.
I take pleasure in food, you know this!
My stomach, once a round marble
is now exposed, empty.
My hair, a brilliant sheen
For what purpose have you made it dull?
I have to be beautiful
Wait, please stop!
My pride, now this has gone too far
I am not the fool
The ground is now groaning
it's not for me
You mean it's for you?
All I deemed important
You have taken from me!
And here I am, stripped naked
Perhaps I have missed something?
From dust I came
spoken to life by your breath
I must return to you.
You want me, all of me
My possessions were cumbersome
And now, bare and alone
I come before you
I desire one thing
Come, clothe me in your love
There is work to doMy treasures are in your kingdom
*****
This is probably a discombobulated mess, but it is my mess, and I found the Lord's grace in these words worth sharing.
I will Bless the Lord, Oh my soul. I will worship your Holy name. Amen.
I had a meltdown that turned almost to despair as I allowed myself to dwell on my desires of being pursued the way I want to be pursued and finding those desires not always being met. Dwelling on hurt. Pain. Loss. Misery. Feeling crushed by life as a mom. My wiring...it feels like it was intended to be wired for a different "job"...I feel like if I could just take a break here and there and completely disconnect from the world of mom, I could handle it better. But instead of trusting in the Lord's strength and grace to help me, looking for the joy in the hard times, I found myself feeling buried and wanting to just give up. Everything else in our little family's world right now is full of waiting and praying and hoping and seeking ....and waiting....and waiting...and trusting God in the unknown. I don't do well with unknown's especially when the known is not where I want to stay. Will we get out, move through this hard place? Can I trust the Lord? Of course I can! Then...why have I been not allowing myself to? Life. Life last night and this morning felt lifeless and I was allowing it to feel that way because I am tired and I don't "feel" like fighting back with truth. That is dangerous...was dangerous...I am fighting now.
I am not done working through everything but the Lord has used different scriptures and people and songs and readings (in His mercy, love and compassion) to lift me up some. I want to share them with, and encourage those reading...
*****"The Chasing Song" by Andrew Peterson...these lyrics:
Now and then these feet just take to wandering
Now and then I prop them up at home
Sometimes I think about the consequences
Sometimes I don't
Well, I realize that falling down ain't graceful
But I thank the Lord that falling's full of grace
Sometimes I take my eyes off Jesus
And you know that's all it takes
Well I wish that I could say that at the close of every day
I was happy with the way that I'm behaving
'Cause Job, he chased an answer
The wise men chased the Child
Jacob chased her 14 years and he
Captured Rachel's smile
Moses chased the Promised Land
Joseph chased a dream
David, he chased God's own heart
All I ever seem to chase is me
Well, they say a race can only have one winner
And you know you've got to pull out front to win
God knows the only time I'm winning
Is when I'm chasing Him
*****
-My husband penned this word this morning: "Father, when my hold doth fail, as waters cover me; this to, I cling: hell cannot break thy loving hold on me. Fear, into confidence doth turn because you, first, loved me. Christ my strength, my sword, my shield--my rock, my surety."
*****
Psalm 27:4:
One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire[a] in his temple.
Psalm 30:11-12:
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
*****
"Be Thou my Vision" Yes.
*****
From the day's reading in "Streams in the Desert" devotional: "Hide in the Kerith Ravine" (1 Kings 17:3).
This is a place of solitude, away from people...dwelling in God's tent (Ps 61:4). Here, I can absorb the spiritual power of God...I am hidden with Christ. No sounds of people's voices to distract but a quiet and safe place to take my sorrow, pain and struggles to. Lord, I will hide in the Kerith Ravine....
*****
Finally, I will paste a poem I wrote a few years ago that is quite fitting to where I'm at:
Stripped Naked
I am found cold, shaking.
My feet lift one by one
off the shivering ground.
I need that ring, please!
It will show my accomplishments
The world must know
You took my last comfort, why?
I wanted that purse
To carry my securities in.
You destroyed my shoes!
The world awaits me
Time will not hold still
And what about my jacket?
Surely you know my condition
I am weak, and need relief.
I take pleasure in food, you know this!
My stomach, once a round marble
is now exposed, empty.
My hair, a brilliant sheen
For what purpose have you made it dull?
I have to be beautiful
Wait, please stop!
My pride, now this has gone too far
I am not the fool
The ground is now groaning
it's not for me
You mean it's for you?
All I deemed important
You have taken from me!
And here I am, stripped naked
Perhaps I have missed something?
From dust I came
spoken to life by your breath
I must return to you.
You want me, all of me
My possessions were cumbersome
And now, bare and alone
I come before you
I desire one thing
Come, clothe me in your love
There is work to doMy treasures are in your kingdom
*****
This is probably a discombobulated mess, but it is my mess, and I found the Lord's grace in these words worth sharing.
I will Bless the Lord, Oh my soul. I will worship your Holy name. Amen.
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