BigFatOofta

Well, I was not doing so well last night, nor was I so hot this morning.  I was/am struggling.  Wrestling with good desires tainted with idolatry and self-sufficiency.   I had a meltdown that turned almost to despair as I allowed myself to dwell on my desires of being pursued the way I want to be pursued and finding those desires not always being met.  Dwelling on hurt. Pain. Loss.  Misery.  Feeling crushed by life as a mom.  My wiring...it feels like it was intended to be wired for a different "job"...I feel like if I could just take a break here and there and completely disconnect from the world of mom, I could handle it better.  But instead of trusting in the Lord's strength and grace to help me, looking for the joy in the hard times, I found myself feeling buried and wanting to just give up.  Everything else in our little family's world right now is full of waiting and praying and hoping and seeking ....and waiting....and waiting...and t...

Dear Jericho Maliyah, You just woke me up kicking around inside of me (you are about 6 months in baking).  I love that you did, because I now have a whole heart that is welled up in love for you, and thoughts that I have for you and want to share with you. There is a lot of talk and letters written to this Hollywood girl named Miley Cyrus as of late.  Letters from men, women, and also, some concerned and saddened mothers.  She has recently debuted herself to the public in a way that has both disturbed and broken hearts, mine included.  Here, I see a girl who needed/could still greatly benefit from her own family sharing her importance, worth, truth about her identity, and love for her. I don't know how old you will be or where technology will be when you read this (this whole blogging thing could be for the stone ages for all I know!) but I want to take a moment to "pen" out my heart for you, my little Jericho. The world is an enticing place, and if you ...

Being a mom can be lonely. Alienating sometimes.  In the midst of every season of motherhood there can be great joy...and also periods of great loneliness. I am a mom.  I never really thought much about being a mom in my single years.  Even once Joshua and I got married, until the Lord changed my heart, I wasn't really prepared to be a mother.  Are any of us ever prepared?  Prolly not. While I have yet to be a mom of older children (not to mention children out of the house), I am in the middle of a joyous yet difficult "toddler life" season.  I have been thinking a lot lately of what it might look like with an infant soon to be added to the mix.  I have to admit, I feel overwhelmed at times...ok a lot of times. I feel fatigued.  But mostly, I feel....lonely.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my son and daughter (already!) and wouldn't ever trade my life with them for anything.  I just have to battle through a big mess of emotions....

I know I've been physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally weary.  I know that some of my loved ones and friends have been as well. I have battled with the emotion of defeat and failure.  Wanting to just give up.  Well, the Lord in His kindness and mercy is my rock and will lift me...and all his children...up out of the mire. I don't have an actual "post" today outside of a handful of scripture sections, and I am sharing them to both remind myself of the Lord's encouraging truth and hopefully encourage my readers as well.  "I lift up my eyes to the hills.  From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.  He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber.  Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.  The Lord is your helper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night.  The Lord will keep you from al...

Hello. I love food.  I have always loved it. Daydreamed about it. Diaried about it (ok, is diaried even a word??). Made it. Ate it. Craved it.  I love to love food.  I hate that I love food...at least to the extent that I do. Here's a quick waltz through my life with food: Childhood - Growing up, we had a mother who cared about feeding her children as healthfully as possible on a tight budget.  This doesn't mean we didn't get treats now and then, it just meant that a lot of main courses were baked beans and cheese, homemade mac and cheese, sweet potatoes, spaghetti, roast chicken, healthy pancakes, etc etc. (some of my favorites).  I still have the diary that I had to write in for school every day and pretty much without fail, I listed what I was going to have for lunch, or snack, or dinner or all of the above that day. Basically, ice cream and candy were my dream treats.  Over all, our family was blissfully unaware of all the effects of pesticides,...

Why am I about to share such personal information about myself?  Because I know how many of my sisters struggle either with physical eating disorders or mental ones....and I know the freedom that comes from confessing and I want to encourage anyone who might be in a similar place that I was...that there can be VICTORY.  complete and total.  so here goes.... I struggled with an eating disorder. I  struggled  with an eating disorder.  I  struggled with an  eating disorder!   Those were words that were so hard to say, and too long in coming. Words that I never thought I would have to say, for they were far too absurd and shameful to even imagine associating with. Yes, it is true. My life is not all put together. Let me give a little background. Growing up, I always had a good metabolism, and was one of those people who could eat anything yet still remain thin. My friends and my parents friends always would tell me “you are so  skinny...