Why am I about to share such personal information about myself? Because I know how many of my sisters struggle either with physical eating disorders or mental ones....and I know the freedom that comes from confessing and I want to encourage anyone who might be in a similar place that I was...that there can be VICTORY. complete and total. so here goes....
I struggled with an eating disorder. I struggled with an eating disorder. I struggled with an eating disorder! Those were words that were so hard to say, and too long in coming. Words that I never thought I would have to say, for they were far too absurd and shameful to even imagine associating with. Yes, it is true. My life is not all put together. Let me give a little background. Growing up, I always had a good metabolism, and was one of those people who could eat anything yet still remain thin. My friends and my parents friends always would tell me “you are so skinny!” and then tell me ways that my thinness could work to my advantage. I would always just blow this off as it didn't seem like a big deal to me, and frankly I didn't care. Later however, senior year of highschool, I did care. My health and metabolism started changing and suddenly I started putting on weight, especially as I headed off to start my freshman year of college where the food was absolutely amazing. All of a sudden I wasn't so skinny anymore, and people weren't complimenting me or commenting on it. I felt like, “oh, maybe I don't look as good anymore. I need to get back to where I was and then I will be happy.” Well, during my senior year of high school, I started experimenting with Bulimia, and although it was not a full fledged physical disorder, it was definitely a continual emotional one. Throughout my freshman year of college, I went through the miserable cycle of eating too much or focusing enormous amounts of time on food, going through periods where I would try to throw up, and then cry out to God to release me from this cycle. I didn't want to be living like this. I was often in prayer about it, I was reading the Bible, and often convicted that what I was doing was wrong. I was guilty. I had much shame. Yet...I was not willing to completely let go of my guilt and shame and find healing. I had made my image my idol. I wanted too badly to feel good about the way I looked and how people saw me, that I wouldn't do what I most needed to do: confess. I knew that I needed to tell someone, because I knew it would help in the process of leaving the disorder behind. Yet, I was too embarrassed and scared that I would be alone in my shame, that people would judge me. I was afraid that once I told someone, that I would have to be held accountable and actually stop. One day, guilt led me to test out a partial confession to my mom. I told her that I had tried throwing up a few times, but I didn't let her in on the constant, painful struggle that it had been and was continuing to be. Instead, I told her in a way that it was my “past.” I wanted it to be my past, ohh, how I wanted it to be. Nevertheless, it took me another half a year of the vicious cycle to actually leave the disorder behind me. Around the time that I told my mom, I was home on break from college during my freshman year. Almost the entire summer, I was depressed like I never had been before. I would cry almost every day and yet at the same time, I felt like I had no reason to be sad. I didn't quite understand what was going on, but I plead with the Lord to remove the depression. One night near the end of the summer, I had a dream where God spoke 2 Cor. 5:17 to me: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” The dream began as one of my nightly crazy dreams that never seem to make sense. Then, in this particular night and dream, God gave me a shirt that had flowers on it. He said just like the flowers on this shirt, you are beautiful, you are a new creation. After that verse, I woke up in tears, rejoicing and thanking God. I don't know what the shirt had anything to do with it aside that I have an active imagination, but the point is...I felt God's presence and love so powerfully that night. To this day, I don't think I have ever felt His nearness so tangibly. It is hard to explain, but I just felt overwhelmed with Him IN my life, and it was amazing. From the moment I woke up, my depression was completely lifted. I wish I could say that from that point on, my eating disorder immediately went away, or that I finally confessed to someone and got help. However, this is not the case. Instead, I tried to kick it on my own, although, asking for God's help. He was merciful to me and gave me the desire and willpower and strength to do so. He also was showing me my worth in Him. That my beauty was because I was fearfully and wonderfully made by an almighty beautiful and loving God. That because I was a new creation, I had to live like one. I knew that I couldn't continue willingly grieving the Holy Spirit and decided enough was enough. I wanted to be whole. Looking back on this time, I wonder if the depression I had suffered from was a result of my strong sense of shame and frustration at myself for not being able to leave behind what I so wanted to. However, I praise God, for it has been about 7 years since I have had freedom from the eating disorder! Do I still have days where I feel bad about myself? Yes. But, the difference is that I know my worth, and I believe it, and I have chosen to ask God for the ability to put my focus on Him rather than make my image my idol. When I have a day where I feel unhappy with my body, I pray that I would remember that God always desires me always loves and accepts me, and that He has given me purpose in life that does not allow time for such preoccupation with self. Sister, if you are struggling, and feel alone...you are not. God is with you, and wants you to find freedom and wholeness. Seeking God to help you through it is crucial, but also very important, is confession. Don't wait longer than necessary as I did...God was still merciful, but it was once I finally confessed, that I was able to truly find freedom.
Much love,
Sarah
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