I Can't Be A Hardy Boy Anymore

i've always leaned more towards being a realist...even pessimist.  strong. aware. understanding. i've even spent a large chunk of my life being emotionally private.  boiled down, these adjectives lead to one huge word for me:

PROTECTIVE.

what i'm about to write about came to my attention as i was reminiscing over my childhood hobbies, toys and activities.  while some of these interests of mine just plainly spell out TOMBOY, i think there is possibly something there that goes even deeper (and i'll explain in just a bit).

growing up, some of my favorite activities and toys included:
lego castles, dreaming of one day owning a pocket watch, knife, gun and sword, barbie accompanied by my GI Joe (ken was stupid), rock collecting (and treasure collecting), building forts, dissecting road kill, gymnastics, smoking fake cigars and chewing fake tobacco (from wild grapes), making mud pots, spying on the neighbors, playing detective, riding my "motorcycle," spending hours alone in my room organizing everything...down to the last pair of underwear, finding places i would hide overnight if i ever chose to run away, climbing trees, climbing everything, reading nancy drew and the hardy boys...but the hardy boys were my favorite because they didn't have annoying friends..., being "blankie man" with my cape made out of entirely torn up and loved-on blankie, leading my sister julie all over the neighborhood on adventures, rescuing insects and bugs (only the cute ones) from siblings and neighbors' destructive hands, and crying when they got killed (we can call it social  justice for the worm-like creatures), and...on and on and on...

those are some of the more "tomboy" activities...but then...there was this nurturing side...a more girly side...of me.  the side that liked dolls, dresses, pink ,purple and other various girly colors (displayed in image below), getting my hair curled, "fixing dad's hair" with bows, barrettes and scrunchies (remember those?), ballet, playing piano, reading christian romance novels (in the older years of course....but now that i'm really old, can i just say UNREALISTIC WASTE OF TIME for the most part?), and...since i'm drawing a blank on anything else feminine here...i'll finish with: watching "Little House On the Prairie" after school (of course, taped on VHS with no dvr option).        

so.  where am i going with all this?  whether or not this is about to become psychobabble or not, this time of  reminiscing brought me to thinking about me and my protective nature.  see, i have always thought of myself as the protector, but one that didn't need protecting.  i can do it myself, take care of myself.  independent. example as oldest of four kids.  i have this super strong sense of justice built in me (sometimes good, sometimes bad).  i used to wish i were a guy so that i could be an example and just pursue a girl the right way.  i didn't want to wait around for a guy who wasn't going to initiate/pursue me...yet there i was, stuck being a girl. waiting.  i had this math tutor (now a dear friend) who was a homeschooling father, who, at the end of each math lesson, would ask me the dreaded personal question.  one that had to do with my heart and the Lord. one that i just didn't want to answer because i was so private that it made me extremely uncomfortable.  i didn't want anyone to really know me.  i never wanted to be wrong.  i still wrestle with not wanting to be wrong (you can read about that here). i wanted to be capable.  someone to be admired. never challenged. able to defend myself. a lot of my activities, interests and hobbies, while probably mostly if not all attributed to being a tomboy, in a way (at least to me) present a picture of this person i wanted to be...or thought i wanted to be.

YET....

then there was the girlie side of me.

the side where deep down, i wanted to nurture and be nurtured.  understood. pursued. led. protected.

all of these deep down desires meant one thing...i had to let myself be known .  the good, the bad and the ugly.  and i was terrified to be known.  terrified of rejection (again, you can read more of my thoughts on that in the blog link i posted above).

i was trying to gain everything i desired by BEING everything i desired.  i was living without understanding grace.  the gospel.  i didn't get ...that in my weakness...i am strong.  

it has been a long journey of coming to understand grace (i posted a spoken poem sorta thingie about my growing understanding of grace which you can watch here ).
i will say, that of all the kind and good gifts the Lord has given me to help me understand grace and to help me slowly release the death grip i've had on my self-protection....marriage has been his greatest gift.

let me tell you, it has been a rough journey for both my husband and i as i have been learning to tread these new waters of him leading me, and me being lead-able. of him nurturing me and caring for me with Gospel love and truth.  of him protecting me, even with his life if it would come to that.  of him pursuing me.  me.  all of me.  I have gotten a picture of Christ and his love for me, and who i am in him through the love of my husband.  the journey has been rough because this has been foreign for me in a human relationship.  it is new. scary. and i often mistake my husbands loving intentions as a threat to my security.  my worth. my everything.  so i push back. i fight. i protect myself by trying to never be wrong when i absolutely am incapable of such..

thank the LORD for the chains of enslavement (that's what all that i just described really is, right?) BROKEN by the GOSPEL.   

i have come so far from where i used to be.  i am no longer private to the world about my emotions or feelings (this blogspot is a prime example), i am quite aware of my weakness and quite joyful to let the Lord be my strength (2 corinthians 12:9-11).  i am desiring to grow in humility and in the love of Christ. i want to lay down my guns and swords and replace them with trusting vulnerability and surrender.  my hope and security are in the Lord.

"be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who wait for the Lord!" -Psalm 31:24
"and you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security." -Job 11:18

i want to walk forward in freedom from self-protection and embrace the little girl in me....and... let the tomboy in me just be something that my son one day finds super cool. ;)
i want to be in partnership with my husband in "disciple making" with our children. teach our children that (in the word's of tullian tchividjian's book title) "Jesus plus nothing equals everything."

finally, in the words of our pastor today: "weak parents have a strong savior"

                                        

by the grace and goodness of God, i will never again need to wish i was a hardy boy (even though they were pretty cool).