SO...
I recently wrote a post about people pleasing and beauty, but, after thinking about it and having some feedback from a friend and my husband, I decided to take it down. Why? Because...it sounded more like a ranting/complaining/passive aggressive portrayal rather than a vulnerable portrayal of hurt that I have learned good/valuable lessons from and want to encourage other women with. My motive was wanting to encourage, not rant. So...I thought I'd just type up a few of those thoughts without some of the examples I wrote in last time.
I have been thinking about the subject of people pleasing for a long time...(only most of my LIFE!) because I....am a people pleaser. I have fear of man. There are many ways that my striving to please man has affected my life, but I'm going to focus/gab a bit on women and beauty. Why beauty? Because we live in a culture where it is hard-pressed on us women from every angle, that in order to matter, be worth anything, you have to be beautiful. Beauty, is made our identity, and we women then have to compete and compare...and it is a futile and exhausting effort.
Basically, I have spent a lot of my life having girls/women make comments either directly, passively or as a recount of their first impression of me, that can be hurtful and ostracizing (if I take them personally). This is where I inserted examples in my last blog, and this is where I will refrain from doing so again.
Essentially, let's just say that one thing or the other regarding my looks, or what my life is perceived to be like....has caused people (women, rather) to express jealousy or struggle towards me. I have been perceived based upon first impression (I actually am half introvert!) to be in a paraphrased nutshell, a mean, skinny, ditzy, gullible, thoughtless, snobby, high-maintenance, man stealing, object that has zero problems in life....not only zero problems but an "easy life"...all because why? Because someone perceives that I have something that culture tells us women that we need.
Obviously, I am only seeing a partial picture of how people see me...there is no way to know what every living human being thinks of me...only the ones who share with me.
Anyway...
I have to say, that I have many great and amazing friends...including friends that were people who initially thought negative things about me. We all assess/make judgments don't we? It's what we do with our perceptions.
In reality, I take probably too little time dressing to impress, have had really difficult health issues that have contributed to my weight loss, have battled through an eating disorder in my past because I didn't feel beautiful anymore, hate the thought of causing another woman to feel insecure around me, have tons of my own insecurities, and even if not battling with weight or beauty issues, I have plllleennnnty of other battles. Essentially, I'm human.
You'd think that after seeing how ludicrous believing and taking to heart a lot of these comments would be, I would no longer have anything to blog about on the matter, but....no. ohhhh no. Remember? I'm a people pleaser. I crave approval from man, but I also just desire to be accessible to people. That's the hardest part. I don't want to be the girl that people look up to but everyone keeps away from because I am intimidating to them in some way. I don't want to "have" things that others want and can't have...so what do I do? I try to be all things to all people so that they will want to be around me.
Sadly and wrongly, but honestly, I have found myself practically apologizing that I have had a good metabolism or that I lost all my baby weight. Trying to brush aside compliments about a part of me because I'm wondering who else heard and is feeling badly or insecure over it. I find myself dressing in a way that will make it less "obvious" what I look like when I feel it could invoke an "I hate you" comment (even if just in jest) about my weight. If someone tells me I have no reason to be insecure or that I must have zero problems in life, I quickly fill them in that, "oh, but I do...and let me tell you..."
What is all that effort? A BIG WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY! Yes, it is good to be mindful and thoughtful to helping a sister who may be struggling but...where is my identity? Where is theirs? Why does it matter so much if people "think incorrectly" about who I am? I have seen that in my reaction to people's vocalized thoughts/feelings of me, that i have been idolizing; Idolizing being accessible, liked, approved of, fixing what is not mine to fix, and being seen for what I think I truly am.
CLARIFICATION: I don't think it's wrong to want to be accessible. I want to be the girl that people feel totally and completely welcome to come to with anything. I want women to see women's hearts drawn closer to Jesus and I want to be someone who can encourage a sister there. I desire people to feel special just by talking to me. I want grace and love to be evident in my countenance. I want women to feel secure in their identity as a beautiful daughter of the Lord.
So. How do I portray what I truly want to be to people? Well...I can start by just being who I am.
1. I can't control what people think
2. I need to be sensitive and compassionate and look behind harsh comments and see if there is hurt there. Find out if there's insecurity or jealousy in a person and then find out what's driving it.
3. Instead of focusing time and energy on how others see me, just walk firmly and true in my identity in the Lord.
4. Love God, love people, be obedient, search my heart and walk forward in confidence.
So while I realize I will probably always be fighting fear of man, I take freedom in knowing that I am called to be faithful to God. Follow and obey Him. Love Him. And then, as I live life with people, realize that I am just another fallen human being that has been given grace undeserved, and strive to love my sisters by drawing them closer to what really matters. Me dressing differently, apologizing for, or hiding what I am to help women "feel better" is just a band-aid. NOT a help. Love them in prayer, in grace, in truth, in deed. And, when I am truly hurt by a sister, by word or action, i must not try to justify myself to them, but turn to the one true king of justness...to help me.
sisters. we need each other! we need encouragement and truth in love. We need fellowship and we need support. We need vulnerability. We need grace.
I recently wrote a post about people pleasing and beauty, but, after thinking about it and having some feedback from a friend and my husband, I decided to take it down. Why? Because...it sounded more like a ranting/complaining/passive aggressive portrayal rather than a vulnerable portrayal of hurt that I have learned good/valuable lessons from and want to encourage other women with. My motive was wanting to encourage, not rant. So...I thought I'd just type up a few of those thoughts without some of the examples I wrote in last time.
I have been thinking about the subject of people pleasing for a long time...(only most of my LIFE!) because I....am a people pleaser. I have fear of man. There are many ways that my striving to please man has affected my life, but I'm going to focus/gab a bit on women and beauty. Why beauty? Because we live in a culture where it is hard-pressed on us women from every angle, that in order to matter, be worth anything, you have to be beautiful. Beauty, is made our identity, and we women then have to compete and compare...and it is a futile and exhausting effort.
Basically, I have spent a lot of my life having girls/women make comments either directly, passively or as a recount of their first impression of me, that can be hurtful and ostracizing (if I take them personally). This is where I inserted examples in my last blog, and this is where I will refrain from doing so again.
Essentially, let's just say that one thing or the other regarding my looks, or what my life is perceived to be like....has caused people (women, rather) to express jealousy or struggle towards me. I have been perceived based upon first impression (I actually am half introvert!) to be in a paraphrased nutshell, a mean, skinny, ditzy, gullible, thoughtless, snobby, high-maintenance, man stealing, object that has zero problems in life....not only zero problems but an "easy life"...all because why? Because someone perceives that I have something that culture tells us women that we need.
Obviously, I am only seeing a partial picture of how people see me...there is no way to know what every living human being thinks of me...only the ones who share with me.
Anyway...
I have to say, that I have many great and amazing friends...including friends that were people who initially thought negative things about me. We all assess/make judgments don't we? It's what we do with our perceptions.
In reality, I take probably too little time dressing to impress, have had really difficult health issues that have contributed to my weight loss, have battled through an eating disorder in my past because I didn't feel beautiful anymore, hate the thought of causing another woman to feel insecure around me, have tons of my own insecurities, and even if not battling with weight or beauty issues, I have plllleennnnty of other battles. Essentially, I'm human.
You'd think that after seeing how ludicrous believing and taking to heart a lot of these comments would be, I would no longer have anything to blog about on the matter, but....no. ohhhh no. Remember? I'm a people pleaser. I crave approval from man, but I also just desire to be accessible to people. That's the hardest part. I don't want to be the girl that people look up to but everyone keeps away from because I am intimidating to them in some way. I don't want to "have" things that others want and can't have...so what do I do? I try to be all things to all people so that they will want to be around me.
Sadly and wrongly, but honestly, I have found myself practically apologizing that I have had a good metabolism or that I lost all my baby weight. Trying to brush aside compliments about a part of me because I'm wondering who else heard and is feeling badly or insecure over it. I find myself dressing in a way that will make it less "obvious" what I look like when I feel it could invoke an "I hate you" comment (even if just in jest) about my weight. If someone tells me I have no reason to be insecure or that I must have zero problems in life, I quickly fill them in that, "oh, but I do...and let me tell you..."
What is all that effort? A BIG WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY! Yes, it is good to be mindful and thoughtful to helping a sister who may be struggling but...where is my identity? Where is theirs? Why does it matter so much if people "think incorrectly" about who I am? I have seen that in my reaction to people's vocalized thoughts/feelings of me, that i have been idolizing; Idolizing being accessible, liked, approved of, fixing what is not mine to fix, and being seen for what I think I truly am.
CLARIFICATION: I don't think it's wrong to want to be accessible. I want to be the girl that people feel totally and completely welcome to come to with anything. I want women to see women's hearts drawn closer to Jesus and I want to be someone who can encourage a sister there. I desire people to feel special just by talking to me. I want grace and love to be evident in my countenance. I want women to feel secure in their identity as a beautiful daughter of the Lord.
So. How do I portray what I truly want to be to people? Well...I can start by just being who I am.
1. I can't control what people think
2. I need to be sensitive and compassionate and look behind harsh comments and see if there is hurt there. Find out if there's insecurity or jealousy in a person and then find out what's driving it.
3. Instead of focusing time and energy on how others see me, just walk firmly and true in my identity in the Lord.
4. Love God, love people, be obedient, search my heart and walk forward in confidence.
So while I realize I will probably always be fighting fear of man, I take freedom in knowing that I am called to be faithful to God. Follow and obey Him. Love Him. And then, as I live life with people, realize that I am just another fallen human being that has been given grace undeserved, and strive to love my sisters by drawing them closer to what really matters. Me dressing differently, apologizing for, or hiding what I am to help women "feel better" is just a band-aid. NOT a help. Love them in prayer, in grace, in truth, in deed. And, when I am truly hurt by a sister, by word or action, i must not try to justify myself to them, but turn to the one true king of justness...to help me.
sisters. we need each other! we need encouragement and truth in love. We need fellowship and we need support. We need vulnerability. We need grace.
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