Great Loss, Greater Gain: Our Miscarriage

One of my greatest hesitations in telling the world about the pregnancy of baby Codispoti # 2 was....what if...what if ...I miscarry?  It'd be easier if we just waited to see if I got to a "safe zone" before we make the big announcement.  Then I wouldn't have to deal with the emotions and pain if something "bad" happened...re-living the pain of telling each person who asks me "so, how's your pregnancy going?" that we are no longer pregnant.  

Well, I miscarried.  Am in the process of it anyway.  I started lightly spotting which turned to bleeding over the course of 5 days, and an ultrasound on Monday confirmed our suspicions:  we lost the baby.  The pain and disappointment that washed over me was overwhelming.  It felt surreal, yet at the same time, I had been prepared a little emotionally before we had confirmation of what was going on.  Let me share what the Lord did in my heart (and share a little of my husbands heart as well) in the days leading up to the ultrasound. 

When the spotting began, and light cramping, my first inclination was to worry and to fear.  No God, please no...why would you have this happen when I've already waited out over 2 months of pregnancy!  I want to see this child, to know this child!  I want THIS one!  

The Lord gave us a sense that it was going to be a girl, and although we won't know until heaven, we have been referring to her as such.  We came up with a name which I will share the meaning of, but save actually telling, in the case we choose to use it later, should the Lord bless us down the road with another pregnancy/girl.  We felt good about the name, but we didn't feel confirmed by the Lord that it was "the" name until we suspected I might be going through a miscarriage.  The meaning of the first and middle name combined are: "His Fragrance rises or ascends"...

We originally picked out the name because we liked the sound of it as well as the meaning...we wanted to have our child's name mean testimony or witness, and a "fragrance "rising" or "ascending" could very well mean that.  Well, the meaning took a different significance when we suspected miscarriage.  Joshua was working, and in the same day, both of us separately felt the Spirit give us the thoughts of...maybe God wants this child be with him.  Maybe he wants his fragrance to rise and be with him right NOW.  Even when we weren't sure what was going on, we both felt the significance of the name, and that our child was indeed a girl.  

On my mind all these days leading up to finding out about our loss, was this passage in Isaiah 43:

"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."  -vs. 1-3.

I applied this verse to the baby...but also myself.  These words were burned on my heart and they still are.  They are a comfort in time of loss.  God is with us in the hard times and will get us through them in his goodness. 

Also, Psalm 71: 5-6:  "For you, O Lord, are my hope, my trust, O Lord, from my youth.  Upon you I have learned from before my birth; you are he who took me from my mother's womb.  My praise is continually of you." 

Psalm 139:16: "Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." 

Wow, the Lord knew the number of days for this child, before the child was even created/formed....and He chose to give the greatest gift that we as parents could hope for our child:  eternity with Him.  A life of no crying or pain and sin of this world.  The Lord created in us, the fruit of our love, a soul.  We suffer death here on earth, but there is new life in the Kingdom.  Praise Him!  What a joy it will be to, after spending just a little blip of time here on earth, meet our little one, and live with her for all eternity! 

Processing this has been hard, as our little blessing, also a joyful inconvenience ;), has been his same little self, full of needs.  There has been a bit of relief to have the distraction of enjoying Israel, thanking God for his kindness and goodness in allowing us to bear him, know him and parent him.  Yet, both Joshua and I know that there is still much to process and grieve and also thank the Lord for, so we must not let that slip by.  

We pray that the Lord would, in His time, bless us with another pregnancy.  We don't want to try to plan it or control it, just see what He has in mind.  I can already see the great temptation to "play it safe" next time, not tell anyone at first, just like I was tempted to do that this last time. 
BUT...if we waited until it was "safe", we would also be losing an opportunity to publicly praise and glorify the Lord.  To testify to His goodness in all things.  Never have I felt the depth of "the Lord gives and the Lord takes away, blessed be His name" (Job 1:21)  more than I do now.  But it is so true.  I write today because I actually have joy in this suffering...I feel it growing...that I have this opportunity to PRAISE God in the midst of suffering!  We have opportunity to glorify the Lord in a way we never would have if this hadn't have happened.  I pray the Lord use the work that He's doing in our hearts to edify and encourage His body, through this testimony of grace.  

What grace and kindness and blessing in these words: "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him."  1 Cor 2:9

We have experienced a great loss to our family, but we have hope of something better.  God in His sovereignty can be trusted and we know that He is using this for our greater good and His glory.  We have the greatest gift of salvation, and that he never takes away.