IF YOU CAN'T BEAT IT...
Serve it.
....give daily to it. Be a slave.
What is "it?" I'm referring to the lengths we women go to "beat" out other threats to our security in our man. The fear we let live in us, that we will "lose" our man's appreciation for our beauty to someone/thing else. The efforts we make to control how much he sees of the world, keep him from temptations. The self-sabotaging questions we ask our man, because we don't trust his love for us.
As much as I could continue to write "we women" here, (the whole reason I am about to write on this topic is because of the saddening enormity of women I see struggling along with me) I am just going to be vulnerable and write about what I've personally been walking through.
Ever since being married, I have been fighting enslavement to fear . Fear of loss. Boiled down, idolatry of self and a lack of understanding in the power of the Gospel and the work of the Holy Spirit in the believer's life. See, what I have in Joshua is good...very good. I have a man who loves the Lord first, and therefore his love for me (second to Christ), is one that will never end. Joshua covenanted to God to love me as Christ loves the church. Joshua delights in me, is attracted to me and has made me his standard of beauty. We have a deep love for each other that goes far beyond physical beauty. I am blessed.
Enter in our sinful nature (dun dun dunnnnnnnn).
In a "I-will-try-to-nutshell-but-it's-gonna-be-a-very-large-nutshell" way, here is what I've been battling, having small victories in, and am still fighting:
When I am not engaging truth, and letting my emotions be my guide, when I don't trust what the Lord gives me to be good enough or strong enough, I start to believe and act out to all of these
LIES...
Here are the deep uglies of my heart: I basically want to be the most beautiful to my husband, but in a way that becomes idolatrous. I want him to never look at any other woman, whether in a picture or in real life, and find her attractive. I want his attention all to myself. I want (and this sounds absolutely ridiculous to even write out/say out loud but it's what exists in the bowels of my heart) to be worshipped. I care more about the effects my husbands "possible" sins will have on me more than I care for his soul and the way his sins hurt GOD. I hate that he is biologically wired to still notice another women's attractiveness and am not satisfied or thankful that he is able to do so without lusting. I know he can and will look away and not lust when he sees something "more beautiful" than I (in my eyes), but still get "bothered" and jealous that he has something he "could" compare me to (I talk alot about comparison and the danger of it in a post, and you can read about it here: http://bigfatoofta.blogspot.com/2012/05/am-i-safe-yet-kill-world.html
Shall I keep going with this convoluted mess? *sigh*...I think I need to....
When I don't grip truth, when I become idolatrous, my heart allows me to then be a slave to fear and control. I feel uncomfortable when we watch a movie that has a woman who is objectified (which is almost every movie, right?!). I squirm in my seat wondering "is he attracted to her?" "Is he tempted to lust?" This also happens when we watch music videos or walk through the mall, or pass a magazine rack in the grocery store. Basically, our entire living out life is one big box of the "squirmies" for me. I hate feeling uncomfortable and fearful, so what do I do? I'd love to say that I always run to the Lord, but no...often I run to trying to control what he sees to make myself "feel better..." Somehow I think putting a bandaid on cancer will accomplish this. HA! since NEVER...
All I really wind up doing in trying to "keep him close" (my husband) is push him away. The enemy always tempts us with "did God really say?" (starting in Genesis 3). Satan whispers to me that I never will actually have my husbands devoted love, that the worldly attractions are "too big." I will never win the game...but I have to play the game...forever. I'm exhausted just typing this all out! It's exhausting to chase after the winds of the enemy, ignoring the voice of the Spirit and the truth of the Word.
Leaving Christ out of the picture, and any of His truth...what would make logical sense to do when trying to secure for ourselves our man's affections? Well...the world says you have to be most beautiful, so I guess that means do everything possible to be that. For me, I've not actually chosen to (or even wanted to) dress immodestly in public, but I have been tempted to think that "if I just show a little more cleavage" or "if I just showed my body off a little more," maybe Joshua wouldn't notice all the other temptations around me. I see so many women walking around "dressed to show," including my sisters in Christ. These are women that make me squirm, because they are possible temptations for my husband. BUT...then I look in their eyes. All of my squirms fall away and I am replaced with sadness, because I see in their eyes what I have in my heart: enslavement. Insecurity. Lies. Fear. So many of us women are walking around wanting the same thing. We look each other up and down, assessing if the other is a "threat." We ask our husbands or boyfriend "did you think she was attractive?" (loaaaaaaaaded question!) when we don't just have a simple curiosity, and if it's a "yes I did think she is attractive" it ruins our day.
I could go on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnn with this convoluted mess of thinking but I want to take some time and get to the TRUTH!!!!!!!!!
In order to have victory and FREEDOM from my fears and sins and incorrect thinking, I need to:
1. Have correct thinking about God and who I am in Christ.
2. BELIEVE and live according to who I am in Christ, not letting what I feel take precedence.
3. Trust the power of the Spirit in me to be able to protect me from lies and sin.
4. Trust the power of the Spirit in my husband to keep him from lies and sin.
5. Root my security in Christ so that when sin happens, my world doesn't crumble.
6. Love Christ most.
7. Hate sin, kill sin.
The verse that I have been coming to a lot the last week or so is Proverbs 24:16: "For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity."
Wow! My husband loves the Lord, and is a new creation in him (2 Cor). My husband in Christ is a righteous man. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says "for our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." Joshua has been made the righteousness of God, yet he "falls seven times!" We are in the world and still have the temptations of the flesh warring in us. These fleshly cravings and temptations cause wars and fights and all sorts of problems...and sometimes we will fall to them. BUT...the great encouragement in Proverbs 24:16 is that the righteous rises again. The old self, the self without the righteousness of Christ...has no hope to overcome the struggles and sins of the world and will fall in those times. I PRAISE GOD FOR A HUSBAND WHO LOVES HIM AND HAS BEEN FREELY GIFTED WITH RIGHTEOUSNESS, NOT BECAUSE HE EARNED IT (Romans 5:8) BUT BECAUSE THE LORD IS GRACIOUS AND LOVING!
My hope is not in Joshua. My security is not in Joshua or his affections/attraction to me. Joshua is not my savior. My hope is in the Lord. My battles are won when I fight with the armor of God (Ephesians 6:13-18) and the help of the Spirit. Christ is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fear.
1 John 4:18-19: "there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us."
Whether or not Joshua loves me well and fights off temptations to lust (FYI, I have an amazing husband who loves/fights so well!), I have the perfect love of Christ.
Does this mean when a girl walks by and gives her stupid "I-crave-attention" seductive eyes at my husband right in front of me, I don't get pissed RIGHT off? No. BUT...I don't have to fear the "what ifs..." Instead I trust my husband. Believe him when he says: he loves me. Is committed to me. Is fighting his flesh. Is delighted in me. Is tempted but not falling.
I need to remember that the righteous may fall seven times but he rises again. AKA Christ on the cross paid for my husband's sins. God gives grace, and therefore my world doesn't/shouldn't crumble when he falls. I shouldn't "wait" for him to fall, expecting hurt and failure. Rather, I should:
-look for ways to encourage him in His walk with the Lord
-Pray for him
-Do battle in my own heart, killing sins that hurt him, and ultimately reveal distrust in the Gospel
-Remember that Joshua is not my savior, Christ is.
The sin of lust is no worse than any other sin. I cannot elevate it above others just because it hurt/pricks at an idol in my own heart. I want so desperately to be free from fear (aka I want to be perfected in love!), and to walk in confidence in my husband's love because of Christ in us. I am getting there. God is giving me victory. There are so many ways that I have learned how this struggle has been exTREMely hard on my husband. In trying to pull him closer to me, I quite effectively push him away (the crafty plan of the enemy). However, this post has become close to a book and if you have made it through this far, then...wow. :) I will say, if anyone would like to dialogue on this further, please hit me up! I'd love to encourage my sisters (and be encouraged!) with truth and prayer. Fight for your man, but fight with truth! Fight with perfect love. Fight with freedom.
Serve it.
What is "it?" I'm referring to the lengths we women go to "beat" out other threats to our security in our man. The fear we let live in us, that we will "lose" our man's appreciation for our beauty to someone/thing else. The efforts we make to control how much he sees of the world, keep him from temptations. The self-sabotaging questions we ask our man, because we don't trust his love for us.
As much as I could continue to write "we women" here, (the whole reason I am about to write on this topic is because of the saddening enormity of women I see struggling along with me) I am just going to be vulnerable and write about what I've personally been walking through.
Ever since being married, I have been fighting enslavement to fear . Fear of loss. Boiled down, idolatry of self and a lack of understanding in the power of the Gospel and the work of the Holy Spirit in the believer's life. See, what I have in Joshua is good...very good. I have a man who loves the Lord first, and therefore his love for me (second to Christ), is one that will never end. Joshua covenanted to God to love me as Christ loves the church. Joshua delights in me, is attracted to me and has made me his standard of beauty. We have a deep love for each other that goes far beyond physical beauty. I am blessed.
Enter in our sinful nature (dun dun dunnnnnnnn).
In a "I-will-try-to-nutshell-but-it's-gonna-be-a-very-large-nutshell" way, here is what I've been battling, having small victories in, and am still fighting:
When I am not engaging truth, and letting my emotions be my guide, when I don't trust what the Lord gives me to be good enough or strong enough, I start to believe and act out to all of these
LIES...
Here are the deep uglies of my heart: I basically want to be the most beautiful to my husband, but in a way that becomes idolatrous. I want him to never look at any other woman, whether in a picture or in real life, and find her attractive. I want his attention all to myself. I want (and this sounds absolutely ridiculous to even write out/say out loud but it's what exists in the bowels of my heart) to be worshipped. I care more about the effects my husbands "possible" sins will have on me more than I care for his soul and the way his sins hurt GOD. I hate that he is biologically wired to still notice another women's attractiveness and am not satisfied or thankful that he is able to do so without lusting. I know he can and will look away and not lust when he sees something "more beautiful" than I (in my eyes), but still get "bothered" and jealous that he has something he "could" compare me to (I talk alot about comparison and the danger of it in a post, and you can read about it here: http://bigfatoofta.blogspot.com/2012/05/am-i-safe-yet-kill-world.html
Shall I keep going with this convoluted mess? *sigh*...I think I need to....
When I don't grip truth, when I become idolatrous, my heart allows me to then be a slave to fear and control. I feel uncomfortable when we watch a movie that has a woman who is objectified (which is almost every movie, right?!). I squirm in my seat wondering "is he attracted to her?" "Is he tempted to lust?" This also happens when we watch music videos or walk through the mall, or pass a magazine rack in the grocery store. Basically, our entire living out life is one big box of the "squirmies" for me. I hate feeling uncomfortable and fearful, so what do I do? I'd love to say that I always run to the Lord, but no...often I run to trying to control what he sees to make myself "feel better..." Somehow I think putting a bandaid on cancer will accomplish this. HA! since NEVER...
All I really wind up doing in trying to "keep him close" (my husband) is push him away. The enemy always tempts us with "did God really say?" (starting in Genesis 3). Satan whispers to me that I never will actually have my husbands devoted love, that the worldly attractions are "too big." I will never win the game...but I have to play the game...forever. I'm exhausted just typing this all out! It's exhausting to chase after the winds of the enemy, ignoring the voice of the Spirit and the truth of the Word.
Leaving Christ out of the picture, and any of His truth...what would make logical sense to do when trying to secure for ourselves our man's affections? Well...the world says you have to be most beautiful, so I guess that means do everything possible to be that. For me, I've not actually chosen to (or even wanted to) dress immodestly in public, but I have been tempted to think that "if I just show a little more cleavage" or "if I just showed my body off a little more," maybe Joshua wouldn't notice all the other temptations around me. I see so many women walking around "dressed to show," including my sisters in Christ. These are women that make me squirm, because they are possible temptations for my husband. BUT...then I look in their eyes. All of my squirms fall away and I am replaced with sadness, because I see in their eyes what I have in my heart: enslavement. Insecurity. Lies. Fear. So many of us women are walking around wanting the same thing. We look each other up and down, assessing if the other is a "threat." We ask our husbands or boyfriend "did you think she was attractive?" (loaaaaaaaaded question!) when we don't just have a simple curiosity, and if it's a "yes I did think she is attractive" it ruins our day.
I could go on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnn with this convoluted mess of thinking but I want to take some time and get to the TRUTH!!!!!!!!!
In order to have victory and FREEDOM from my fears and sins and incorrect thinking, I need to:
1. Have correct thinking about God and who I am in Christ.
2. BELIEVE and live according to who I am in Christ, not letting what I feel take precedence.
3. Trust the power of the Spirit in me to be able to protect me from lies and sin.
4. Trust the power of the Spirit in my husband to keep him from lies and sin.
5. Root my security in Christ so that when sin happens, my world doesn't crumble.
6. Love Christ most.
7. Hate sin, kill sin.
The verse that I have been coming to a lot the last week or so is Proverbs 24:16: "For the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity."
Wow! My husband loves the Lord, and is a new creation in him (2 Cor). My husband in Christ is a righteous man. 2 Corinthians 5:21 says "for our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." Joshua has been made the righteousness of God, yet he "falls seven times!" We are in the world and still have the temptations of the flesh warring in us. These fleshly cravings and temptations cause wars and fights and all sorts of problems...and sometimes we will fall to them. BUT...the great encouragement in Proverbs 24:16 is that the righteous rises again. The old self, the self without the righteousness of Christ...has no hope to overcome the struggles and sins of the world and will fall in those times. I PRAISE GOD FOR A HUSBAND WHO LOVES HIM AND HAS BEEN FREELY GIFTED WITH RIGHTEOUSNESS, NOT BECAUSE HE EARNED IT (Romans 5:8) BUT BECAUSE THE LORD IS GRACIOUS AND LOVING!
My hope is not in Joshua. My security is not in Joshua or his affections/attraction to me. Joshua is not my savior. My hope is in the Lord. My battles are won when I fight with the armor of God (Ephesians 6:13-18) and the help of the Spirit. Christ is perfect love and perfect love casts out all fear.
1 John 4:18-19: "there is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. We love because he first loved us."
Whether or not Joshua loves me well and fights off temptations to lust (FYI, I have an amazing husband who loves/fights so well!), I have the perfect love of Christ.
Does this mean when a girl walks by and gives her stupid "I-crave-attention" seductive eyes at my husband right in front of me, I don't get pissed RIGHT off? No. BUT...I don't have to fear the "what ifs..." Instead I trust my husband. Believe him when he says: he loves me. Is committed to me. Is fighting his flesh. Is delighted in me. Is tempted but not falling.
I need to remember that the righteous may fall seven times but he rises again. AKA Christ on the cross paid for my husband's sins. God gives grace, and therefore my world doesn't/shouldn't crumble when he falls. I shouldn't "wait" for him to fall, expecting hurt and failure. Rather, I should:
-look for ways to encourage him in His walk with the Lord
-Pray for him
-Do battle in my own heart, killing sins that hurt him, and ultimately reveal distrust in the Gospel
-Remember that Joshua is not my savior, Christ is.
The sin of lust is no worse than any other sin. I cannot elevate it above others just because it hurt/pricks at an idol in my own heart. I want so desperately to be free from fear (aka I want to be perfected in love!), and to walk in confidence in my husband's love because of Christ in us. I am getting there. God is giving me victory. There are so many ways that I have learned how this struggle has been exTREMely hard on my husband. In trying to pull him closer to me, I quite effectively push him away (the crafty plan of the enemy). However, this post has become close to a book and if you have made it through this far, then...wow. :) I will say, if anyone would like to dialogue on this further, please hit me up! I'd love to encourage my sisters (and be encouraged!) with truth and prayer. Fight for your man, but fight with truth! Fight with perfect love. Fight with freedom.
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteThis post was amazing in its honesty and its Truth! The Lord has given you a TON of insight so early on in your marriage. You've got a grasp of the FIGHT the enemy wages with us and in our marriages at 1 1/2 years that I didn't grasp until about 5 years!
I don't have a lot to add, except continue what you're doing. And I can encourage you that embracing the Truth will indeed free you, inch by inch of ground that God regains that Satan takes in our hearts without us even realizing it. I always wondered how my conversations with Jonathan could go SO horribly when I would try every way possibly to frame my "questions" (the "did you notice that girl flirting? type ones that are no good!).... But it was my insecurity and fear that kept the conversations from being productive and growing us closer. Instead, now we don't HAVE to ask because as you said, our husbands ARE fighting lust!
Anyway, thank you for being such an encouragement. A great thing about being married longer and longer is your growth in every are of your life, so long as you pursue Christ!!! Having only 8 years behind me, I can't imagine where you will be in 8 years of marriage and what wonders God will have done in you and Joshua!!!!