Confessions of a non-confessor

Hi. I have something I need to confess. I don't like it....confession that is. Do I do it? Yes. Do I do it with the correct motivation or often enough? Ummm....*cough cough*... For some reason it is easier to confess to people when they are not MY HUSBAND. I have realized this lately and when you dig deep, and then deeper still, there's a whole lot going on. Here is a taste of what has been going through my everlovingtothinkprocess brain. I'm gonna start with an outline and then unpack all of it. For my own sake of trying to get everything out in an organized fashion.
1. I can confess to people that are not my husband easily and readily enough because:
 a) they don't know me as well and
 b) I don't have as much to "lose"


2. Why do I have a hard time with my husband?
a) He knows me better than anyone
b) When you are married you see yourself, who you really are, in a mirror. You can no longer "avoid" looking for imperfections or ways to grow...your spouse will show you (his choice to do so lovingly or not) c) I'm scared to be wrong


 3. Why can't I be wrong with my husband?
 a) I feel that confession cinches the deal on who I "REALLY" am and that I'll disappoint him
b) Therefore, I fight my sin to the death almost (what could be death of our emotional and spiritual connection!)
c) If I disappoint him I might lose him.
d) I crave security. If I lose my husband I lose my security
e) Crap, my security is placed in my husband instead of God.
f) DOUBLE crap, I have an idol and it is harming me, my husband and offensive to God.


 4. What am I really doing?
a) MAKING IT WORSE FOR EVERYONE END OF STORY...heh.
b) Pushing my husband away
c) Not remembering the Gospel
d) Making humility harder for my husband since I am being prideful and selfish
e) Living in bondage of an idol of security (which I have other ways my desire to feel secure plays out but that would be a whole other long blogpost and this one here is looking to be really long).


 5. What I'm called to do:
a) Love Christ above all things. Make Him greater and more desirable above all things
b) Therefore DESTROY idol. don't just avoid it.
c) Give myself and my husband and everyone else grace in our sanctification...it is a lifelong process.
d) CONFESS!
e) Fight in the strength of the Lord not myself
f) Make my security be in the Lord, and who I am in Him and what I have in Him.




 So, here goes the more detailed version of this outline: I confess to others because if I do so, I can confess in a way that is truly repentant but also have a bit of "control" (at least imagined control) in how people will think of me if I can craft the confession the right way. If people don't know me and live with me and KNOW me in the deepest places, they won't be able to detect that I'm such a horrible person possibly. Ummm wow, caveat: can I just say we are all horrible people...it's called sin? Why do I think I need to present perfection when we all know there is NONE in people and why do I forget the grace of God? Anyway, that's a whole other direction I could go but I'm going to stick more to this here outline. As far as confessing to most people, I also don't have as much to lose. If I am not that close to them, it won't be as devastating if I "lost" their approval of me (not that I still don't crave approval). It's just that I crave the approval most from one person: My husband. That brings me to point number 2, which I really don't have anything to add. My husband knows me, the good, the bad and the ugly. In the process of two becoming one, I see a picture of who I really am (not all bad but right now i'm talking sin). I may not have denied some of my sins or issues before I met him, but I may have avoided even looking for where I could grow or where I might have sin residing. When the mirror is held up to me, it can be terrifying. Why? Boil it all down and I am afraid that if I confess a wrong to him, that I am then cinching the deal on that wrong, then I somehow make that wrong my identity (which is SO wrong!) and then I feel that surely he will be disappointed to learn that this is really who I am. If I confess sins instead of denying them, (being right) I start fearing I could lose my husband. How convoluted!! ugh! In reality, what I really crave is to feel secure in his love (which I totally can but not THIS way) and that has potential (and has on occasions too numerous for my liking) to become an idol. Security is my idol. Isn't it for many women? The TRUTH of what I am doing by having an idol of security, is putting a wedge between our relationship rather than securing it. There is power and healing in confession. There is intimacy. Joy. Freedom. growth. FORGIVENESS and GRACE. There's the approval of our Father in heaven, our ULTIMATE security! Proverbs 28:13: "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper,but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy." Also 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." We have been justified already! We are new creations and seen pure as snow in the eyes of the Father. If we truly believe that GOD is our salvation and that He has secured our lot through the death and resurrection of His son Jesus, and that nothing can take away his love for us (Rom 8:38)we need not fear. PRAISE HIM! We have FREEDOM to confess our sins knowing that Christ already died for them. If I then confess them to my husband (or anyone else) I have no need to fear losing the security of the ultimate lover: Christ. In confessing in humility and in earnest, I give my husband the chance to display the Gospel back to me in forgiveness and grace. Even if he didn't that would NOT take away what I have in Christ. SO. What do I need to do? I need to ad

mit I have a problem, a big problem, a sin problem, an idol problem, and CONFESS IT. THEN, I need not to just avoid it (as in just try to live as if the idol didn't reside in me and try not to feed it too much....) but rather, DESTROY IT! The scripture touched on today in church (Exodus 23) talked about the Israelites needing to Obey the Lord by KILLING their false gods. To do this, I need the Lord's help and I need to daily remind myself of the Gospel and speak the truth of God's WORD to myself. When I stand in defiance against my sins and refuse to be lovingly corrected, I must TOTALLY look like an unsubmissive wife. But I AM submissive...just to the wrong person and wrong thing. I'm submissive to my fear, my sin. I MUST put Jesus as more beautiful and more desirable than anyone or anything. And as for idols, the pastor today also said: "You know it's an idol if you sin to get it or sin to lose it." Whelp, I guess I've confirmed that I've made security in man my idol. That is my confession. My confession and my HOPE and my CONVICTION to DESTROY my sin. "Kill sin or it be killing you" (John Owen, lovely puritan man!). I will end with this passage from the book of JUDE: "Now to him who is able to keep you from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, 25 to the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion, and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen."