BigFatOofta

I'm ugly....but it's a beautiful thing. :) Disclaimer 1: this is going to be raw.  Personal. Just warning you. Disclaimer 2: If you see a bunch of quotes or pictures from FLYLEAF lyrics, it's because for the last few months, I've been listening to them on my runs.  God has used a handful of the lyrics to really spur me on in digging deeper into my own heart.  No, they aren't super theologically deep, but I'm thankful for the thought their lyrics have provoked... Let me give you a few snippets of my background to flesh out the picture a bit. Most of my life, I have been one of two extremes: 1. Highly praised and favored or 2. Highly assumed, backstabbed or just...the recipient of mean . For number 1, the main things I have heard over and again:  "You're so encouraging, the most humble person I've met, sweet, kind, beautiful, fun..." ... For number 2, I won't go into details, but let's just say my trusting vulnerable hear...

Trusting God.  Do I even know what that means?! I think lately as there have been a lot of stressors in life or reasons to want to give into anxiety, I have been asking myself some deeper questions about my heart, and about how I have been trusting God.  Part of the reason for peeling back the layers of my heart is that I am not really finding myself able to trust in God when the pressure is on.  No, rather, I recognize that my pattern is to first look to myself .  See, in the past I think I've always just sorta chocked trusting God up to simply telling him my needs, asking for help, and then waiting for him to do something about it.  I have told myself I need to surrender to him and not try to make something happen, but...what winds up happening is...I quickly take hold of the reign (or at least I think I'm holding it) and try to tell God or imagine ways that he will do things "my way."  I suggest to him ways I think would be quite good for ...

Hey friends, So it is a bit uncomfortable to share the following with you as I am a beginner/not professional in my writing skills.  At first I started writing a "rap" with a chorus and then I think it turned more into a poem or spoken word?  Whatever this is, it's from my heart and I hope that it encourages and challenges.  The Faces Of Pride I've been walkin' around with all sorts of bruises, life of wounds and wrong thinking, but to admit this my heart refuses  'cus PRIDE. Pride has many colors, many fingers and motives; to think I have immunity from any shade is just bogus. Self-pity, it is pride, and it's wanting to be noticed; it's feeling sad for myself that my beauty is below His.  I've got these shackles in the way, oh God I pray take them away; every-time I seek your face it feels like you turn it away, God no!  please stay!  Don't abandon my soul to the grave, no, I know in Psalms you say, that you'...

So, I have been overwhelmed in every area lately...emotionally, physically, circumstantially, mentally, spiritually...to the point of I don't even know where to start with coming up with something to write, especially something organized.  I feel....flooded and stopped up at the same time.  But, writing is therapeutic for me, so I think today I am going to write a list of things I'm thankful for.  Watch out, it's a big list. -My husband and family -New church family -Chocolate flourless cake -Especially homemade chocolate flourless cake so that you can eat gigantic portions of it and still have some left for breakfast   snack the next day. -Close to my parents with this new move -Awesome place to rent -Several sunshine filled days in a row -Great area filled with parks and super cool libraries -God teaching me how to trust him -God teaching me that I CAN trust him -God teaching me that I am desperately in need of him -God comforting and helping me as...

I am about to commence an end of the day, entirely at the end of myself, barely have a brain left, post that describes a typical day in the life as a stay at home mom. I shall write this post by quoting Israel, Jericho and myself.  There shall be a narrator, and that narrator shall be myself, since I am writing this blog, and I want my own personal thoughts inserted. Is this even making sense? I'm not sure. Like I said, I am at "barely have a brain" stage. Whatever. Here we go.  No...wait...please make sure to read the "DISCLAIMER" at the end of this post, ok? 5am -  Me : Rolls over...feels for hubs...hubs is up already getting ready for work.  "Phew, I have 21 more minutes until Israel wakes up to try to grab a few more z's!" 5:21am- *thump* *thump thump thump* *eyes staring at my face at the side of the bed* Next 45 min- Israel : (in bed with me) "Hummm hummmm"...."nose kisses mommy! 'boop boop boop!'"*kick, flo...

Psalm 66:17-18 :   "I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened." This scripture verse is like a battering ram to my heart...in a good way.  See, here has been my problem: I have since becoming a new creation in Christ, a believer and one who is saved, known that I am called to love the Lord with all my heart, soul, strength and mind (Luke 10:27).  And, I have wanted to love him this way, OH how I have wanted to.  Prayed to.  But...while I have experienced and shown evidence of Luke 10, it hasn't been until now that I have found such depth of revelation and affection.   Here is my confession, the ugly truth:  -I often saw my sin as less than other people's sins.   I haven't ever seen my sin as that big a deal.  As that significant.  I have prayed only half-hearted and almost vague non-specific prayers about the Lord kill...