I think lately as there have been a lot of stressors in life or reasons to want to give into anxiety, I have been asking myself some deeper questions about my heart, and about how I have been trusting God. Part of the reason for peeling back the layers of my heart is that I am not really finding myself able to trust in God when the pressure is on. No, rather, I recognize that my pattern is to first look to myself.
See, in the past I think I've always just sorta chocked trusting God up to simply telling him my needs, asking for help, and then waiting for him to do something about it. I have told myself I need to surrender to him and not try to make something happen, but...what winds up happening is...I quickly take hold of the reign (or at least I think I'm holding it) and try to tell God or imagine ways that he will do things "my way." I suggest to him ways I think would be quite good for all involved and could bring him glory in the process! BUT...am I really ok if he says "no." Can I really say and actually mean "your will be done?" Sometimes, I'm ashamed to admit, I even feel like I have done well with the fact that I've gone to God in prayer asking for help, and then legalistically wait for him to reward me for my righteousness (gag). I could go on about my legalistic tendencies that I have to fight, but I'll save that for another time.
I think I have
1. Gotten surrender all wrong and
2. Left out a really key part of being able to truly trust God.
Let me expound on number 2.
I like the comfort of knowing what's ahead. I like to make plans based on what I know. Prepare. And...be in control. But, is that really comfort? I know that I know that I KNOW that I would make a terrible God. No. never, ever would I want that. Yet, I act and think as if being in in complete control, and trusting in my ways, my thoughts (aka trying to be God)...will bring me comfort and security. Well...guess what. It doesn't (big surprise there!). You know what I have found comforting though? THINKING on who God is, and then DWELLING on who he is, and then PRAISING him for who he is. And when I am done doing that, I find...that I can't help but be comforted and feel secure. For example, just dwelling and thinking on God's goodness and sovereignty....and how he is never one and not the other...blows my mind open and I find myself humbled on my knees in thankfulness and praise, asking him to help me LOVE that about him. The fact that he is above all things, knows all things and orchestrates all things, and that for those who love him, all things are for GOOD (Romans 8:28). I could go on and on about how God being good and sovereign is so amazing, but my point is...I find what I'm looking for when I think about who God is: Comfort and security and...a DESIRE TO SURRENDER everything to God and LEAVE it there. I discover joy that I can't know all things, fix all things, or control all things. Because I have acquired a peace that he does, and he can, and he will.
So...trusting God. Lately, it's meant not looking for him to answer my specific ideas of how to fix my life and my heart, but rather, dwelling on and praising God for who he is and finding the natural desire to surrender all to him and to leave it with him. I know that there is so much more even, that is part of trusting God, but for now, I will leave it here.
I love God. I love His Word. And...because I love his Word, I will leave you with some that has been encouraging my heart lately.
"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose Word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid." -Psalm 56:3-4 (emphasis added)
"Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat, or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?" -Matthew 6:25
"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do as he had promised." -Romans 4:20-21 (emphasis added)
"For you save a humble people, but the haughty eyes you bring down. For it is you who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God--His way is perfect; the Word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him." -Psalm 18:27-30 (emphasis added)
"I will give thanks to the Lord with my whole heart; I will recount all of your wonderful deeds. I will be glad and exult in you; I will sing praise to your name, oh most High...And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, oh Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you." -Psalm 9:1-2,10 (emphasis added)
ok...so so sooooo much more scripture I want to put down, but I'll stop here. For now. ;)